Adulthood: Pros and Cons
Cons - Bills, wrinkles, responsibilities, disillusionment, soul-crushing disappointments, closer to death
Pros - Can eat cheeseburgers whenever you want
It’s pretty cute how the fans go all nuts and wear the glowsticks on their heads and wrap themselves in twinkly lights at Taylor Swift concerts. Even the 30-something, full-grown adult fans. Shut up, yes it is.
Right about now, Usher’s probably feeling pretty sorry about the whole, “Hey world, I brought you something, and it’s Justin Bieber,” thing.
Sweet mother of humanity, there are a lot of pages in these school and camp forms. Sometimes, after filling in line after line after line after line of names and numbers and codes and emergency contacts, don’t you kind of want to write “donkey balls” halfway through the list of food allergies, just to see if anyone notices?
Another fun thing to do at a golf tournament is to buy several egg salad sandwiches and stuff your cheeks with as much egg salad as you can hold, and then get a good seat right by a tee box where you can make eye contact with the golfers. Then, just as a golfer is about to swing, just casually and quietly open your mouth and stick out your tongue and let egg salad fall out all over your lap. Because there’s not enough element of the unexpected in golf.
Another thing that is not appropriate for a golf tournament, but which is indeed quite satisfying, is to take off your shirt and use it as a makeshift sled to go careening down the 18th fairway.
The appropriate way to cheer a golfer at a tournament is to clap quietly, careful not to make a big fuss or disturb their swing. The inappropriate way, which is much more satisfying, is to yell, “WHORES!” whenever Tiger Woods walks by.
Penguins return next week on their new schedule – Wednesday / Thursday / Friday.
That’s right: WTF Penguins
Announcement: From now on, The Random Penguins will be dedicated solely to tackling serious social, scientific, and economic issues. Like… um… the ramifications of increased demand in the marketplace of… um…
Oh, screw it. Pulling off an April Fool’s joke is too hard.
Nothing like making yourself a vodka drink, then realizing you accidentally used gin.
